Saturday, 21 April 2007

The Truth about......... Baby Poo.

This morning's musings are a far cry from tea (except for the fact that I’m having a cup while I’m typing*), but having just change one of Ewan McPoopypants’ now legendary exploding poopie-bum nappies I’ve been mulling this over all morning, so here you go. There’s been extensive research on this topic in our household (well maybe not extensive, but I’ve been changing shitty arses pretty much every day for the last 3 years so I think I’m entitled to have my say Winky ).

So here’s a list of inalienable truths I’ve discovered about baby poo:

#1. The more public the place, the worse the smell.
Poos done at home can sometimes be pretty stinky, but the same poo done in a crowded doctor’s office will make a visit to a sewage farm smell like a day trip to the Chelsea Flower Show.

#2. The dressier the outfit (yours), the worse the spreading quotient.
If you’re in the house in your jeans and a T-shirt (or your jammies if it’s one of those days) you can usually get away pretty much unscathed. Change a last minute nappy when you’re dressed and ready for a night out though, and that stuff is spreading into places even you didn’t know you had (guaranteed to be found on your person half way through your night out when you realise that that weird smell that’s been lurking in the pub all evening is, in fact, you).

#3. The 80/20 Rule
Everything changes once they start eating solids. From then on the 80/20 rule applies. 80% of the time what comes out the bottom end resembles pretty closely what went in the top. The other 20% is some unidentifiable colour that makes you wonder what their siblings/grandparents/fathers/mothers have been feeding them when you’re not looking. Are there any foods that are actually Khaki coloured? Hmmm.

#4. Fart propelled poopies travel further than you’d think.
‘Nuff said.

#5. If they can reach the poo with their hands, then it’s fair game.

#6. The law of the last two wipes.
Babies will inevitably save their worse poo of the day for the time when you’re out and about and you only have two baby wipes left in the packet. Then you have to improvise. Firstly there’s the toilet roll, which just gets welded to their bum and makes everything 10 times harder to remove. It doesn’t even help if you try spitting on it first and it disintegrates when you run it under the tap (but hey, that’s what it’s designed to do!). Then you resort to the (alcohol filled) wet wipes you have in your handbag. If the baby didn’t have nappy rash before, he does now. If all else fails then you have to go for the absolute last resort of running their naked bum under the taps at the sink. This one’s exceptionally difficult if it’s got those stupid taps with the push down thing that only stay on for thirty seconds (who can wash their hands in that amount of time, let along butt cheeks?!). So, eventually they’re clean and changed. You are of course covered in poo, bits of soggy, disintegrated toilet roll and water splashes from the super-spray sink taps (if you’re dressed for any appointment remotely important then point #2 will also apply here).

I think that’s about enough poopy talk for today, although I can't guarantee there won't be more at a later date. I’m beginning to think Kendo’s comment regarding my blog last night -“You need a job” - could well have some merit.


*FYI: Made tea in the big yellow teapot this morning – it wasn’t very nice. Maybe I’m not doing it right, or I need to clean the pot out better?


Rhian said...

LMAO This is definately a subject close to my heart and washing machine.
I have to say that a newborn breastfed baby can't half spray their stuff (and i mean it goes a distance). There could be an olympic sports on it.

As for placing your baby's bottom under the taps.....seriously lmao because i have never come unstuck whilst out. I would love to see you do that and can only imagine the looks you would've gotten from ppl.

Everything and anything goes i guess when needs must. lol

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